The month of November was one of the worse months I have ever experienced. I have had bad times and bad experiences of course in my life. And this was another one of them. All of it unexpected. Sad, empty, and still in shock over the death of my 23 year old cousin...who went to bed and never woke up...what the hell??? She died 11-16-2011. Her name was Vanessa or ness or nessa as she was called. She was a beautiful blonde haired hazeled eye girl with a huge smile and dimples. She was a cheerleader and played softball and had many friends. What happened Ness? I hope we will receive an answer but, I almost feel as if we won't. Her mother and brother are broken up of course. Her mom calls me crying and wanting help with her pain and sadness...I don't feel like i have much to offer, I am afraid i might make the situation worse. So i feel uncomfortable talking to her, it makes me sad to feel that way. But maybe its my fear...I don't ever want to be in her shoes you know losing a child so.....I don't want to deal with her reality, how unfair right? I helped raise Vanessa a little bit when she was younger, i can still see her squinty little eyes and blonde hair in her little red jammies. It was just yesterday that she was a baby...just a baby how fast time flew. How we never get to know the moments we have. If only we had even a slight hint as to how long you may have how different would things be? We might love a little deeper and hold a little tighter and never say horrible things. I remember the last time i saw Ness she was at Wal-mart we had a quick conversation and that was that. The next time i saw her she lay at the coroners office, I went with her mother to comfort her and help her through her time of sorrow. I am unsettled I am frightened why? I do not know. All i know is ever since this terrible thing happened I have been deeply, deeply affected by it. In ways that I am not ready to reveal on my blog just yet. But i am hoping that just writing about it and getting some of these feelings out might help with my inner fears or the things that are taking place. I need to feel some kind of peace or healing with this. But i am not sure if I can right now....at least not until i can figure out what is going on! Good bye Vanessa I hope you rest in peace and that you are with God, please watch over us. Love you!
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