Where is heaven?

It is hard trying to explain to young children no matter what belief system you have what heaven is.  Where is heaven? How do we get there?  And why do we go there?  My father in law died Thanksgiving morning of this year.  He had been ill and we were worried that he might not make it, but he seemed to be getting better.  In fact the doctors were talking about taking him out of ICU the day after Thanksgiving.  So when we got the call at 4:30 that morning that he was dying, it came as a shock.  He quietly passed away before anyone could get there.  So that put us in the position of having to tell the two youngest children ages 6 and 4 that grandpa was gone.  Gone???  Where???  He went to heaven to be with heavenly father, he will be happy and peaceful and he will be with his mommy and daddy and all those who have gone before him.  But why?  Because that's life that's how it works.  My 4 year old says "Will grandpa still have Christmas with heavenly father under the ground?"  I explained about our souls going to God and that our bodies stay here but that concept makes no sense to them.  They just know that grandpa won't be coming back and that they can't talk to him or see him ever again in this life.  What about all the plans and promises they had made before he got sick?  I wonder how the kids feel inside about that.  My 6 year old daughter is having a really hard time.  She asks all kinds of questions and crys at school and my 4 year old has been acting out.  I know he does not realize that this is because of his pain and sadness from his loss that he does not even understand yet.  Him and grandpa will never work on that old car or have a sleepover in the new sleep over room like grandpa promised, and he just does not understand why it will never be.  I wish there was an easy way to explain death, I can't even grasp it sometimes.  It makes no sense, we are born, we live we die.  So then what is the purpose of all of this right? Well don't look at me cause i don't have the answer and neither does anyone else!  Life is to complex with so many little intricate details to not have been planned by some grand master, the one who gave us life and breath, the one who created our souls.  His plan or his idea of all of this I am sure makes sense to him and is not supposed to make sense to us mere mortals.  But our love for each other, our children, our parents, our spouses and God's love for us and ours for him connects us in so many ways.  And that connection I believe is where heaven is...follow those trails of love through our lives from beginning to end and it will lead us all back together again someday in a beautiful and joyful reunion! 

Unexpected losses.....Vanessa 11-16-2011

The month of November was one of the worse months I have ever experienced.  I have had bad times and bad experiences of course in my life.  And this was another one of them.  All of it unexpected.  Sad, empty, and still in shock over the death of my 23 year old cousin...who went to bed and never woke up...what the hell???  She died 11-16-2011.  Her name was Vanessa or ness or nessa as she was called.  She was a beautiful blonde haired hazeled eye girl with a huge smile and dimples.  She was a cheerleader and played softball and had many friends.  What happened Ness?  I hope we will receive an answer but, I almost feel as if we won't.  Her mother and brother are broken up of course.  Her mom calls me crying and wanting help with her pain and sadness...I don't feel like i have much to offer, I am afraid i might make the situation worse.  So i feel uncomfortable talking to her, it makes me sad to feel that way.  But maybe its my fear...I don't ever want to be in her shoes you know losing a child so.....I don't want to deal with her reality, how unfair right?  I helped raise Vanessa a little bit when she was younger, i can still see her squinty little eyes and blonde hair in her little red jammies.  It was just yesterday that she was a baby...just a baby how fast time flew.  How we never get to know the moments we have.  If only we had even a slight hint as to how long you may have how different would things be?  We might love a little deeper and hold a little tighter and never say horrible things.  I remember the last time i saw Ness she was at Wal-mart we had a quick conversation and that was that.  The next time i saw her she lay at the coroners office, I went with her mother to comfort her and help her through her time of sorrow.  I am unsettled I am frightened why?  I do not know.  All i know is ever since this terrible thing happened I have been deeply, deeply affected by it.  In ways that I am not ready to reveal on my blog just yet.   But i am hoping that just writing about it and getting some of these feelings out might help with my inner fears or the things that are taking place.  I need to feel some kind of peace or healing with this.  But i am not sure if I can right now....at least not until i can figure out what is going on!  Good bye Vanessa I hope you rest in peace and that you are with God, please watch over us.  Love you!

Understanding

My blog is beginning to feel kind of like my journal.  I need to write in it as much as I do here!  I love to go back and read what I have wrote ten years ago and see how much I have or have not progressed in my journey.  But today I wanted to share my thoughts about how I am feeling about my grandson.  Now I mentioned in other posts how he suffers with a severe form of epilepsy.   He will be 10 months old in 1 more day and he should be doing many things such as crawling, and grabbing, sitting, laughing out loud and such.  But Waylon does not do those things...and my heart is breaking in two.  Not for me but for him.  I am so sad and so choked up because I cannot understand why my angel must go through all of this.  I do know that there are many who suffer with afflictions, pain, disabilities, etc.  But this is my grandson, my flesh and blood.  The one I see everyday, that lays there so beautiful and so precious.  I want him to experience the grass on his knees, and the blue sky in his face, the sandbox, the little red wagon, his ponies, I want him to ride the little red bike I want to get him for Christmas.  I want to hear him laugh out loud to say grandma.  I want him to be able to say mommy and daddy. 
The neurologists tell us that Waylon's seizures will never go away, they are not sure if he will ever walk or talk. In fact they just plain do not know how well he will or will not do.  I pray for that little angel that he will have a good quality of life.  As he gets older the reality of all of this starts to hit home.  When they are tiny you do not seem to notice to much the milestones that he misses, but, as he gets older and you see babies his age crawling and sitting up your heart starts to break.  I have been crying off and on all day at the thought that my tiny grandson may have to suffer all of  his life.  I would take it from him if I could.  But, of course I am not God I am just grandma.  But a grandma that has so much love in her heart that it is impossible to even compare it to anything.  
I pray to God for understanding as to why people have to suffer.  Especially little innocent children.  Ones that have not even had a chance but to barely take their first breathes.  Some say it is to make us stronger to appreciate life more, or to learn how to be strong.  My mom believes people like Waylon are sent here to teach us lessons.  That makes sense to me.  But I still don't think it is fair that he has to suffer.  I know this is turning into a sob blog but I am feeling so angry today about this! 

It is wrong or unfair for me to feel like this?  Am I out of line?  I worry so much about his parents (Waylons) father is my son.  It is their 1st child and it is not like they thought it would be, and yet I do not believe any of us would trade that baby for anything.  I am feeling a touch better getting this off my chest, letting some of this out.  It feels good to share how I am feeling without any interruptions or judgements, that's why I like writing sometimes.
I guess I just need to continually pray for understanding and guidance.  And know that maybe God placed Waylon with my family because he knew he would be loved unconditionally no matter what.

An Angel now (about the death of my brother)

An angel with wings
Soaring to new heights
 God given
What a beautiful sight
Us earthbound people
Will someday be free
And will soar with you
The sky's of beauty
Gone they say
But never forgotten
Within our hearts you'll stay
Look up into the sky
And see soaring wings
Under the stars you play
Missing you never ends
Thoughts of you always there
The pain subsides
We go on with life
But your face is everywhere
I feel good knowing
You're an angel now
Safe from all the worlds dismay
Helping God with all his good works
To help us along our way
You've become an angel now
Looking out for me and my own
Flying around my spirit
with your unending love
Resting my heart
I'm now sure that i know
You are living with God up above.                          

                                  
        Carol Ann VolBerg                         

Untold Secrets

"We dance around in a circle and suppose...
While the secret sits in the middle and knows."

I have more questions about some things than I will probably ever have answers too.
There are things in my life that remain unseen and deep inside I know the outcome
is not going to be what I had hoped.  When you feel duped, side winded, screwed over,
used, manipulated, and there is nothing you can do about it at the moment you begin to
feel sick inside like a rotting, abscessed tooth that hurts worse with every breath you take.
You think of how you will deal with the pain, or the shame and how you will make people
understand how you could have been so stupid! 
But I know how this stupidity works, and I admit that because I have not yet learned how
to pay attention to all the red flags!  If you are like me and you
love with your whole heart and want to believe that all people are good you could at some
point be duped.  And I am not always talking about what you may think I am talking about
either.  It could be so many different scenarios.  But for me I know what it is.  And no, I am
no where near ready to share it with the world.  I am not even sure yet what I am dealing with
exactly.  But it is not my secret, my secret is that I know that there is a deep dark story that has
continued on and on...and one day soon the dam will burst forth with all the truths and untruths
behind it. This I know is true with all my heart, mind, body and soul.

Way Way Tuff

Waylon

     I want to share with the world my beautiful little grandson "Waylon."  Sometimes God sends unexpected joy and miracles into our lives, and believe me  when he sent us this special little angel I knew I would love him but, had not a clue as to how far and wide my love would go.  It goes way beyond what I could have ever imagined.
     Waylon was born with a severe form of epilepsy.  He has suffered since he was minutes old.  He at times suffers with siezures  every 20 minutes.  He has to be on many medications and a special diet called the ketogenic diet.  He is  delayed and at times my heart breaks for what he has to go through, I wished I could help but your left feeling so helpless and it is not a good feeling. 
     All we can do right now is give him love and support and prayers.  When he looks into my eyes my heart melts and I would do anything for him.  Anyone who loves someone who suffers from siezures knows the heartache, but mostly you are hurting for your loved one.  He is ten months old now and we are beginning to see that this is going to be a long hard road for Waylon, his parents and all who love him.  The neurologists cannot find a reason for his seizures.  They think it may be genetic.  He is not eligible for surgery because his seizures are all over his brain and he suffers from several kinds.  He is in there we know that, he watches us and loves us to talk to him and sing to him. He is trying to smile and has starting cooing.  He smiled for a few days when he was two months old but the seizures took that way.  And this  last week or two he has actually been trying to smile!  Talk about the unexpected joy that  a tiny little smile brings.
     I love this little man whose nickname is Way Way Tuff!  My little blue eyed red haired angel anyway we think he is going to be a red head!  There will be many more posts about about this little miracle and how his progress is.  Anyone who knows anything about epilepsy can leave comments any advice would be appreciated!
    

TEENAGE DAUGHTERS UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O.K. O.K. I love love love my 17 almost 18 year old daughter more than life itself, but I have to tell you she drives me up a flippin' wall.  Her and I fight like no other, either we get along beautifully or we are fighting I mean cat fighting!Not physically just  screaming saying things we don't mean (ok maybe we do lol).  She drives me insane with her attitude.  She just does not give a rats ass I swear.  She tells me like it is, I would never have dreamed of talking to my mother that way and I still don't and why??? Because  she'd still kick my you know what to this day if I did.  I believe kids today think they are owed so much, like just because they exist we owe them everything such as gas money, or car insurance, heck even the car!!!  My parents did not hand me anything like kids are handed today and whose fault is that???  Ya ya I know. 
My daughter Monica is a beautiful blonde and when she was little had the brightest bluest eyes that twinkled when she smiled.  She was stuck to my side and I had to pry her off my leg and I am not kidding when I say I had to actually pry her off me.  She was my side kick, my best friend.  I never dreamed she would turn 13 and become some monster child I did not recognize.  On her good days she is funny, smart, outgoing, poetic, charming, laughs all the time, silly and kind.  On her bad she is miserable., onery, mean, dramatic and loves to start trouble!  I'd love to see what she'd write about me ha ha!!!  I just don't have a clue as to what goes on in her brain!  I DO NOT remember being so like that when I was a teenager...I really don't.  I don't know if its hormonal, depression, stress ohh hell please do not tell me that is her personality and it is here to stay uuuggghhhh!!!!  We will kill each other.
But behind my moaning and complaining.  I really am deeply hurt by her.  I love her dearly.  I don't understand what I need to do as a mother, a friend, a confidante to make her feel better.  So instead of saying loving words we hurt ach other with the things we say.  What I really want to say is "Monica I love you!"  I want your beautiful smiling, twinkling, blue eyes back.  I miss your tentacles attatched to my legs, I miss your head on my pillow next to me when you were a little tiny girl, I miss being your hero the mom you loved your friends to meet, I miss when we would laugh at those dumb commercials and you would make fun of me when I cried at the sad ones, or when we sang to our CD's at the top of our lungs and pretended we were on American Idol.
I hope she knows I am appreciative of all the things she has done for me, even though she thinks I do not feel that way.  I do.  I plan on being there for her forever.  When she truely needs me someday I will be there.  Right now I guess she is trying like heck to gain independance and get as far away from me as possible.  For a teenager thats wild, crazy and exciting, for a mother it is heartbreaking and scary.  Although we would never want them to know that.  I do not want her to turn out like me.  I want her to taste a little bit of everything in life.  To enjoy every minute and love it.

I look forward to our life together our joys and pains.  Her 1st child  as all mothers I wished it to be 10 times worse than her lol.  I want us to have holidays together and travel and for her to be there when I am old stroking my hair and helping me to say goodbye.  Most of all I want her to know that I love her and I am proud of her and thankful that she is my daughter. I know she has the strength and the brains to make it through this life.  And to thank her for making me wiser to all the little tricks teenagers pull cause I'll be waiting for her baby sister to be 13.........