My blog is beginning to feel kind of like my journal. I need to write in it as much as I do here! I love to go back and read what I have wrote ten years ago and see how much I have or have not progressed in my journey. But today I wanted to share my thoughts about how I am feeling about my grandson. Now I mentioned in other posts how he suffers with a severe form of epilepsy. He will be 10 months old in 1 more day and he should be doing many things such as crawling, and grabbing, sitting, laughing out loud and such. But Waylon does not do those things...and my heart is breaking in two. Not for me but for him. I am so sad and so choked up because I cannot understand why my angel must go through all of this. I do know that there are many who suffer with afflictions, pain, disabilities, etc. But this is my grandson, my flesh and blood. The one I see everyday, that lays there so beautiful and so precious. I want him to experience the grass on his knees, and the blue sky in his face, the sandbox, the little red wagon, his ponies, I want him to ride the little red bike I want to get him for Christmas. I want to hear him laugh out loud to say grandma. I want him to be able to say mommy and daddy.
The neurologists tell us that Waylon's seizures will never go away, they are not sure if he will ever walk or talk. In fact they just plain do not know how well he will or will not do. I pray for that little angel that he will have a good quality of life. As he gets older the reality of all of this starts to hit home. When they are tiny you do not seem to notice to much the milestones that he misses, but, as he gets older and you see babies his age crawling and sitting up your heart starts to break. I have been crying off and on all day at the thought that my tiny grandson may have to suffer all of his life. I would take it from him if I could. But, of course I am not God I am just grandma. But a grandma that has so much love in her heart that it is impossible to even compare it to anything.
I pray to God for understanding as to why people have to suffer. Especially little innocent children. Ones that have not even had a chance but to barely take their first breathes. Some say it is to make us stronger to appreciate life more, or to learn how to be strong. My mom believes people like Waylon are sent here to teach us lessons. That makes sense to me. But I still don't think it is fair that he has to suffer. I know this is turning into a sob blog but I am feeling so angry today about this!
It is wrong or unfair for me to feel like this? Am I out of line? I worry so much about his parents (Waylons) father is my son. It is their 1st child and it is not like they thought it would be, and yet I do not believe any of us would trade that baby for anything. I am feeling a touch better getting this off my chest, letting some of this out. It feels good to share how I am feeling without any interruptions or judgements, that's why I like writing sometimes.
I guess I just need to continually pray for understanding and guidance. And know that maybe God placed Waylon with my family because he knew he would be loved unconditionally no matter what.
The neurologists tell us that Waylon's seizures will never go away, they are not sure if he will ever walk or talk. In fact they just plain do not know how well he will or will not do. I pray for that little angel that he will have a good quality of life. As he gets older the reality of all of this starts to hit home. When they are tiny you do not seem to notice to much the milestones that he misses, but, as he gets older and you see babies his age crawling and sitting up your heart starts to break. I have been crying off and on all day at the thought that my tiny grandson may have to suffer all of his life. I would take it from him if I could. But, of course I am not God I am just grandma. But a grandma that has so much love in her heart that it is impossible to even compare it to anything.
I pray to God for understanding as to why people have to suffer. Especially little innocent children. Ones that have not even had a chance but to barely take their first breathes. Some say it is to make us stronger to appreciate life more, or to learn how to be strong. My mom believes people like Waylon are sent here to teach us lessons. That makes sense to me. But I still don't think it is fair that he has to suffer. I know this is turning into a sob blog but I am feeling so angry today about this!
I guess I just need to continually pray for understanding and guidance. And know that maybe God placed Waylon with my family because he knew he would be loved unconditionally no matter what.
I don't know if this will bring you any comfort. How about the idea that Waylon was so special, God didn't want him tainted? He can't sin the way he is. Maybe he only needed to receive his body in this life. Maybe he didn't need any other experience here. I believe that about a lot of people. One is my sweet sister in law who is mentally handicapped. I think she (and Waylon, I suspect) are here for us to be tested. How will we treat them? What will we do for them? How can we grow closer to God from knowing them? That sounds nice, doesn't it? Still doesn't take away the sorrow of things lost, but maybe it puts things in perspective. I am quite sure he knew what his life would be like, and he was willing to come and do it, just so he could progress to the next level. I know where he will be, when the Savior comes again. Right next to Him, along with my sister Leslie! He gets a straight shot to the Celestial Kingdom, Carol Ann! Now, it's our job to make sure we get ourselves there to be with those sweet innocents we love in this life! Take care. You are good and you are strong. It will all work out in the end. Until then, keep the faith, dear friend. I love you. Nik
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